Your Whole Personality Might Be a Coping Mechanism

Issue 41 - Read Time: 2 minutes 48 seconds

What if the version of you that you’ve been calling you is actually just a bunch of coping strategies you developed to survive?

That might sound intense, but I’ve been sitting with this idea lately, and I’ve been walking through it with some of the clients I work with. One in particular brought it home.

He doesn’t identify as anxious. In fact, he identifies as logical. Driven. Particular. Always on time. Always performing. But underneath? His nervous system is maxed out. He’s constantly scanning for the next thing he needs to do to feel okay.

His coping doesn’t look like panic—it looks like control. Productivity. Being reliable. Doing everything right.

And it works.
Until it doesn’t.

Most of us have no idea we’re living our lives in reaction to a subtle, constant pressure inside our bodies.

We think, “If I can just get through the morning, knock out this workout, get to work, finish this task...then I’ll feel okay.”

But then the next moment comes. And the next. And the pressure returns.

So we build lives on top of coping mechanisms.
We become high performers.
We grind. We fix. We keep the peace.
We double down on doing.

But the nervous system doesn’t lie. And eventually, you start to realize:

I don’t actually feel good. I’m just going along to get along.

One of the most powerful insights from this client was when he said, “I make these little passive-aggressive comments... and they don’t actually solve anything. But they help me feel better. It’s like medicine.”

That’s what coping looks like. That’s what it sounds like when you start to see yourself clearly.

And that’s where the work begins.

If you’re in a relationship—especially a long-term one—this stuff gets magnified.

Suddenly it’s not just your own nervous system you’re managing, it’s someone else’s too.

You start noticing that your partner wants more connection, and you’re offering more control. They want presence, and you’re offering logistics. Not because you’re selfish—but because your internal system is so dysregulated that presence feels like a threat.

Letting go of the to-do list, skipping the gym, staying in the moment when your body wants to bolt... all of that can feel dangerous. Even when you know it’s the loving thing to do.

This isn’t about blaming. This is about seeing.

Seeing that the rush to perform, to get it right, to keep the house clean or push through one more task... is often just a strategy to push something uncomfortable back down.

And eventually you realize:
You could build your whole life out of coping mechanisms.
And it might even look good from the outside.
But it’s still a cage.

So here’s the invitation:

Start noticing the moments where you feel the pressure rise.
Notice the urgency. The scramble. The stories that tell you why you have to move right now.
And pause.

You don’t have to fix it.
You don’t have to get it right.
You just have to be there.

Pick up your kid. Eat breakfast. Let your partner be frustrated and stay anyway. Notice how badly your body wants to escape—and choose to stay, just a little longer.

This is the shift. From coping... to presence.

It’s not easy. But it’s worth it.

Need More Support?

If you feel like you want some extra support here are some ways Attunement and I can help you:

1. Individual therapy or coaching with a provider at our clinic (in-person or virtual)

2. May 1-5 Attuned Being Desert Intensive (In-person - San Rafael Swell - Central Utah)

Thank you!

I love that you are interested in exploring yourself in the pursuit of growth and expansion. 

And I love that you are diving deeper into the unconscious patterns that limit our capacity as a species to transcend this paradigm. 

You are becoming the change you want to see in the world and that is incredibly inspiring!

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey ✨✨

With Love,

Christian

Raise your consciousness - change the world.

Exploring the human condition — breaking down the blockages that limit our capacity to give and receive love.