The Identities We Outgrow

Issue 46 - Read Time: 5 minutes 8 seconds

What happens when the identities we've spent years building no longer light us up?

When the very habits that once defined us start to feel more like a trap than a path to growth. We often define ourselves by what we do — the habits that shape our days and give structure to our lives.

I spend a large portion of my time facilitating therapy sessions, investing in my relationship with my wife, and moving my body through sports and fitness. These habits form the backbone of how I might describe myself: therapist, husband, athlete.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how deeply these habits shape our identities and, more importantly, how they become intertwined with our personal development. 

For a habit to truly shape our identity, it must serve as a vehicle for growth. It integrates deeply into our sense of self, woven into our nervous system, worldview, and even our cellular makeup. Losing that identity can feel profoundly unsettling, almost like a small death.

But what happens when this identity is challenged? When the roles that once defined us no longer provide the same sense of purpose?

I see this often in my work with men in their early to mid-30s. Many of them poured themselves into their careers throughout their 20s, accumulating knowledge, climbing the professional ladder, and establishing themselves.

Now, in their 30s, they find themselves in a strange in-between. The career that once fueled them no longer provides the same sense of purpose. The drive is gone, and the passion has faded.

This can be a particularly disorienting experience for those who are deeply driven and engaged in their lives. They still want to grow and evolve, but they feel stuck in an old paradigm. 

I suspect this is because the career, the work, or the external pursuits that once served as powerful vehicles for personal development have simply run their course. 

Their internal compass is urging them toward something else, but they keep trying to recapture that old spark by leaning into the same behaviors that once fulfilled them.

When this doesn’t work, it often leads to a cascade of emotional and physical symptoms like panic, anxiety, lethargy, fear, and even depression.

I also see this same pattern in women, though it often takes a slightly different form. Many women I work with have invested their 20s and 30s into building families, supporting partners, and balancing professional growth with the deeply relational work of caregiving. 

For some, this stage of life is marked by a similar sense of identity fatigue — the realization that the roles they once found so fulfilling have shifted or no longer hold the same meaning. 

The drive to nurture and connect can feel worn thin, and they too find themselves searching for a new path forward, something that speaks to their evolving sense of self beyond the roles they have embodied for so long.

This identity crisis often reveals the limits of a mind-centered approach to self-worth.

The metrics of success — more money, bigger houses, better titles — are deeply tied to how we think others perceive us and how we’ve been conditioned to measure our value. 

This is an intellectual game, driven by comparison and external validation. Shifting away from this mindset requires a move toward embodiment, where our sense of worth is felt, not just thought. 

This is an internal shift, a movement from the mind to the body. When we cultivate embodied awareness through intentional practice, we can actually feel our inherent worth, rather than continually seeking external markers to confirm it.

I’ve lived through this transition myself. I’ve worn many identities over the years: skier, climber, wilderness therapy guide, outdoorsman, dirtbag. 

Each of these served me well at different points in my life, but each eventually outlived its necessity.

I could feel when my desire to climb became more about keeping up with others and fitting in with the outdoor athletes in Salt Lake City. The same thing happened with skiing. 

Letting go of wilderness work was particularly difficult because I loved it deeply and took pride in my ability to live and work outside, but I could sense that it was limiting my development as a practitioner.

These were all primary identifiers for me at one point, and instinctively, I knew I needed to let them go. If I hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here writing this today.

So, what’s the path forward? How do we navigate this existential friction?

My proposition is that we must find a new vehicle for personal growth. Once we’ve 'arrived' at the traditional markers of success — financial stability, professional achievement, comfortable living — the drive for more accumulation loses its power. 

At this point, personal development is no longer a numbers game. It’s not about metrics, titles, or material gain. It becomes something less tangible, more subtle — a feeling, an experience, an internal compass.

This shift requires letting go of the idea that our worth can be quantified.

If we cling to concrete markers like financial growth or professional status as our primary sources of meaning, we risk falling into the trap of self-quantification, continually measuring ourselves against outdated metrics.

Instead, we might turn our attention to pursuits that are less transactional, less definable, and more deeply resonant. Hobbies, creative pursuits, spiritual practices, deep relationships — these can become the new arenas for growth. 

They are the spaces where we can reconnect with ourselves, free from the pressures of measurable success.

Ultimately, this kind of identity evolution is a natural and even necessary part of being human. When you feel your identity being challenged or find that an old passion no longer lights you up, try not to spiral into existential doubt. 

Recognize this as a developmental milestone — a sign that the old self is ready to die and kick off another cycle of death, rebirth. 

Embrace it. Step into the unknown. This, in itself, can become the new path toward meaning.

JOIN THE COMMUNITY:

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I recently decided to give away as much of my knowledge and coaching as possible for free. So I careted this online community.

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ATTUNEMENT COLLECTIVE

Thank you!

I love that you are interested in exploring yourself in the pursuit of growth and expansion. 

And I love that you are diving deeper into the unconscious patterns that limit our capacity as a species to transcend this paradigm. 

You are becoming the change you want to see in the world and that is incredibly inspiring!

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey ✨✨

With Love,

Christian

Raise your consciousness - change the world.

Exploring the human condition — breaking down the blockages that limit our capacity to give and receive love.